Ew. Adulting.

This one took some time to put together. Because I tried as much as possible to use the right words, explain my feelings and thought process (which is difficult for me to do), and still try to make some sense. I do not want to believe that I am the only one that thinks or processes things this way. This is me, a 25-year-old understanding, learning, unlearning, and stretching a pole to someone that might be drowning.

Upbringing

It’s easy to pick up a habit while growing up unconsciously; habits you see that your parents, guardians, or someone in your community is doing. My case is no different.

For example, I am fortunate to have been raised by my two parents. I grew up knowing that my mum contributed less financially to anything going on in the household. She’s a full-time employee, and she wasn’t a junior staff — I am adding this piece of information to paint a picture of how it’s possible for her to have contributed more financially to the household. Despite her position in the corporate world, my dad still gives her money every week to take care of herself, myself, and my two siblings.

This formed my preference for the type of romantic partner I would like to have when I grow a little older. Someone that has a full-time job and spends her money on what she wants.

Another example, I didn’t see anyone around me ever quantifying how they felt. My parents never express how they feel, at least not in my presence or that of my siblings. The only thing my mum knows how to do best when she’s not feeling okay emotionally is going to a church and praying aggressively. To clarify, this does not suggest that spirituality isn’t necessary. It’s me trying to explain that I didn’t see any of them process their emotions.

From the two examples, you can see how the foundation of my being was built. I am not implying that parents are the only ones molding you while growing; what you learn and who you associate with outside the home ( in my case, that will be school and church) contributes significantly too. I am only putting a spotlight on my parents here because they are the ones I emulated completely.

Adulting

How upbringing is affecting my Adulting. I will try to draw a parallel between the two. For the most part, I’ll be able to, and for the rest, I’ll need you to use your best judgment to build the bridge between the two.

• Solutioning: Now, my only solution to expressing how I feel is ghosting-I define ghosting as literally cutting off communication without heads-up and any form of explanation. Essentially, I don’t express myself; I bottle up or “man up”. The subheading “Solutioning” is an oxymoron in this context. Let me try to explain this a little more. In a family of three (3) siblings, if the last child needs advice or support, she can go to the second child while the second child can go to the first. The first, in most cases, doesn’t have where to go and is forced to “man up”. I fall into one of those cases.
• Loneliness: I take pride in my ability to work tirelessly and independently without needing support or help from others. I often refer to myself as an assiduous lone wolf. [The irony is that Act of Service as my love language *inserts a dramatic sound effect*.] However, there are times when I catch myself feeling annoyed or embarrassed (mostly embarrassed) when I crave companionship or camaraderie. Although I value my independence, I also have a need for social interaction and support, which can be challenging to acknowledge or express. It’s a complex mix of emotions and values that I’m constantly trying to balance.
• Friend/Relation- ship: this is a delicate one. I am the first child of three, and I have to take care of my siblings. Be someone that they can emulate, like a role model. It’s easy to interpret my “first child kindness” as grand gestures of love. Personally, I can’t tell the difference as well in some cases. Do I love the person, or am I there for them because that’s the role I’ve been playing all my life? Learning to understand and separate this two has been challenging. It has cost me friendships (I might have to write another article because of this). The good thing and first step, however, is realization; I am glad I just figured this out.
• Smile more: this is my favorite. The sub-heading here doesn’t make total sense but bear with me. On a few occasions, my dad will share how he struggled before he could afford to go to school. He mentioned once that he had to work and save money for nine (9) years to go to university. Despite situations like that, he’s the funniest person I knew growing up. Always smiling. Similar to my dad, I have the same behavior of having the best laugh (that’s a lie, my laughter is terrible) at almost every point in my life. In fact, I make jokes out of whatever situation is happening to me. I love this characteristic of mine.

Ending.

I am open to suggestions on how to deal with/handle situations. I am open to learning. I hope my story and the suggestion I gave above will be helpful to someone. We deal with things differently, and no one has a blueprint for what should or shouldn’t be.